Last night as I put AZG to sleep, I remembered how scared I was the night I gave birth to PMG. Before leaving the house I went into his room and just cried and cried- As much as I wanted to meet PMG, I didn’t want anything to be at his expense- I didn’t want to shatter his little world. I know that he will never remeber his time without her in his life, which is great for him, but there is something strange about knowing what it was like for him without her. As an only child I always said I did not want that experience for my children, and so we had another. But I do want him to know that it was not because we did not think he was enough in any way- our lives were full and happy with him, and that would have been the case if we had not been blessed with PMG. Rather, I think that she will enhance his life in ways I can only watch, and I am happy I could give him that.
It’s not that I am not exited to have her, quite the oposite. In fact, as I was nursing her this morning I was thinking that I can’t imagine not having her, and all the worries about loving her as much as I love AZG are completely gone- I love them both so much, and I can’t imagine life without them. The odd part is that I think that if I had one child or five, I would feel the same satisfaction and happiness. My friend who has twins after a single said this too- you just find the room for them in your heart and life.
I went out for a bit today to do some art with AZG at the day care. He was happy to see me and spend some time with me, but was ok letting me go home too. It is odd having such a fiercely independent little man, I confess a small part of me wants him to be more needy of me and my time, but really I am so proud of him for being such a wonderful, social, comfortable little guy. How did we get so lucky?
It’s getting close to christmas and sometimes I think way ahead in the future to when these two are old and have partners and families and they are not with us, and it seems so unfathomable, that they would not always be right in the next room. And I know that is what you want for them, for them to grow up and leave you and be happy and healthy with lives of their own, but oh my heart is already heavy with the thought of it.
Chili in the crock pot. Butter softening for cookies on the counter. Life is so, so good.